I was driving to Wednesday night bible study, which is new for me. As I’m driving, I am thinking back to church and remember something said that day, “Be Real.”
That makes me think about Rejuvenating Women’s Thursday night Bible study and what we’re studying, which is forgiveness, so “Be real” keeps popping up in my heart, body, and soul all week. So here I go, being real. I’ve been living alone for so long because I’ve locked everyone out due to past hurt and I’ve put up this wall which caused a “chip” on my shoulder. It is this wall I’ve put up that’s locked all that hurt, bitterness, hate, loneliness up inside of me. Why you ask? Because I thought I was protecting myself and all I was doing was hurting myself.
With all the things I experienced, I started to compare my present hurts to my past and it would just bring rage. God never intended for me to live alone and isolated. That wasn’t what I was suppose to learn. From studying forgiveness in Thursday night group I have started walking that process out for the people in my life that have hurt me.
Forgiving my mom: She was hurtful with words, but she’s my mom. God chose her for me for a reason. Her words to me growing hurt; calling me fat, saying I’ll never be as skinny as she is, or saying I’m going to be just like my cousin, or if you keep hanging with so and so you’ll be a slut too. When you’re called names enough, you tend to believe them. My lesson here was love your mom right where she is at. She may have had a rough childhood, we don’t truly know. I learned from this that I never want to talk to my daughter the way my mom talked to me. I want to give her confidence and not take it from her. I will also show my mom how to love and how that was missed in our relationship. It’s never too late to have a relationship now.
Forgiving my dad: You’re daddy’s girl and then something bad happens and you tell him and he does nothing. You feel vulnerable, unprotected, not daddy’s little girl anymore. You become that girl looking for that guy who will protect you. You act out.
What I learned from this is that I will protect my children no matter what. Those are my cubs. God gave me those children to love and protect within my power and I will do so.
So by my wall being up I distrusted everyone. I would start to let it down and I would start being run over by people and I would put it back up. I was being taken advantage of. I was the yes person and never a no person. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but then I was being used. Favors wouldn’t be returned. I was doing nice things for people and for what? So it was easy to be fake. My wall was my safe place. You couldn’t hurt me. I did things for years for people to make them happy. But I was unhappy. It didn’t please me to please others. I tried. So in doing things and having a chip on my shoulder only hurt me. To this day I have a wall, I have protected myself for so long that it’s hard to break it down. If I don’t allow it to come down how am I do move on and become a better wife, mother, friend, coworker, leader, follower?
Surrounding myself with like minded people helps me to stay on track. They teach me that things in life happen for a reason. They are real things, big things that hurt me, but it’s time to let God take them and it’s time to forgive and heal.
Written by, Anonymous