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My Brokenness IEP Plan
By Michelle Myers
I realized tonight, as we discussed our brokenness, how far I have come. I used to try and hide my brokenness. I used to deny it. I used to get offended when someone pointed it out. I used to get offended when someone claimed to have the right answer or cure for it.
The truth is, that we live in a broken world, with broken people. It is never going to be perfect. I am never going to be perfect. There is always going to be a lot that I don’t understand about my own brokenness, other people’s brokenness, and the brokenness of this world. That is why; I need a relationship with Jesus. He knows everything about me. He sees all my circumstances. He knows the good, bad, and ugly about me. He knows what is best for me. He knows what people are good for me, and what people are toxic for me. He knows when my heart isn’t right, or my motives are off.
When I was teaching, some of my students with learning or behavior difficulties had an IEP (Individual Education Plan). This plan was tailored specifically to their educational needs. Kids may have the same diagnosis, but the tools and resources used to help each individual child varied greatly. There was no “one size fits all”.
Jesus has my IEP. He knows the tools and resources that will help me. What works for someone else’s brokenness, might not work for mine. I have no idea why my marriage was restored and my friend’s marriage wasn’t. I have no idea why I didn’t need to go to treatment for my alcohol addiction, and so many others need to, in order to stop drinking. I have no idea why I had to leave my husband, before my marriage could be restored. I have no idea why I ultimately had to go on anti-anxiety medication to get a good night’s sleep and function without being triggered every other day. I prayed hard, everyday for each one of these things. I was going to God, and leaning on Him.
Heck, much of what He told me at the time, didn’t make sense nor did I understand. If God hates marriage, why would He tell me to leave? If God finds me valuable in His eyes, why would he tell me to move closer to my abusive mother? I had been praying for her, and trying to have a healthy relationship with her for years.
There is still a lot that I can’t comprehend about the circumstances, but what I do know, is that He turned them out for good. My marriage was healed, but my relationship with my mother wasn’t. However, I am no longer in bondage and live in fear of her. Each broken piece of my life, He used to draw me into a closer relationship with Him, grow my faith, and ultimately have a testimony that hopefully helps others and brings glory to Him.
I don’t look at needing the tools and resources He gives me anymore as a weakness. I look at them as His grace, just as much as I look at the tools and resources that other’s need and I don’t, as His grace. It is by his grace, that when I was about 10 years old and approached by a stranger for candy and a ride, that I wasn’t abducted and killed or forced into trafficking. It wasn’t because I was more or less deserving of it than anyone else. It wasn’t because my faith or my parent’s faith was stronger than anyone else’s. It is because that is not how He chose to let the brokenness of this world impact my IEP. It is not how He chose to use my brokenness to bring me closer to Him or bring Him glory.
Not everyone is going to understand that, and that is ok. It is about MY relationship with Christ, and His IEP for me. I have come to a place of accepting my brokenness, and instead of asking, “Why God?” I ask “How do I use this, or for what purpose do YOU want me to use this, God?”
Written by Michelle Myers