Forgiving Myself
By Michelle Myers

Yesterday morning, I was sitting in the orthodontist’s office waiting for my daughter to have her braces adjusted.  When she is done, they normally just bring her out, tell me everything is good, and we go on our way.  I usually use this waiting time to do my daily Bible study.

Totally engaged in it, the orthodontist’s assistant came out, and called my name.  When I answered, she said that she was ready for me to come back.  I was surprised and wondering why I needed to go back there.  Also, I was anxious because I had a lot to get done that day.  So, I quickly gathered my stuff and the assistant asked, “Are you reading anything good or exciting.”  Without thinking I replied, “No, just the Bible.”

Immediately, my words caught up to my brain; and I had this sense that I disappointed God.  Really!  Just the Bible, Michelle!  I tried to back track and say, that I didn’t mean it like it wasn’t an important thing.  She talked about how she tried this one- year study, and never finished.  She is now dividing it into smaller chunks for this year and hopes to get through it all.

As she was telling me how my daughter had a new piece of hardware put into her mouth to move her lower jaw forward, I just felt this guilt.  I was having a hard time focusing on her words.  I felt that I had really screwed up.  I really disappointed God.

While taking my daughter to school, I told her about it, and repented right there in the car.  Yet, the rest of the day, I couldn’t shake reliving that conversation in my mind.  When my husband got home, I told him about it.

Today, I woke up and did my Bible study.  I typed up my writing for another ministry I am involved in.  When I was done, I went and laid on my daughter’s bed for a moment.  My cats were there.  They looked so peaceful.  I thought about the interaction I had yesterday with the orthodontic assistant, and why it was bothering me so much.  Then I realized that I was having a hard time forgiving myself.  I heard God tell me to, “LET IT GO.”  He had already forgiven me, so I need to forgive myself.  It was robbing me of peace.

Being the stubborn person I am, I started to explain why I was having a hard time letting it go.  The assistant saw me reading the Bible, but that has never been enough for me.  I want to live it out, in my everyday life.  I want people to know that my heart is in it.  I failed at that yesterday.

Then I heard God tell me, “I know your heart.  That is all that truly matters.“  He reminded me of how my days are centered around him and how I try, to the best of my human ability, to live out His word.  He reminded me of where I was when I started this walk with Him, and how far I have come.  It is never going to be perfect.  I am never going to be perfect.  If I were capable of that on my own, I would never have needed Jesus.

~ Written by, Michelle Myers

 

Powered by Pixel Fire Marketing Pixel Fire Marketing